TEENS & CONSEQUENCES

An intelligent and helpful approach from Megan Devine

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work, and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task. If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

Click Here  for full article

GPS

It may feel like a challenging journey, but with the right tools it is a lot easier!

CONSEQUENCES

Effective consequences for teenagers!  

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work, and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task. If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

Effective consequences are ones that are connected to the original behavior, and are both task- and time-specific.

"Connected to the original behavior” means that your consequence needs to be related to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve. 

“Task specific” means that there is something your child needs to accomplish, or practice related to the original problem. This is a concrete behavior, like washing the dishes, meeting curfew, or not swearing. 

“Time specific” means there is a specific amount of time in which he needs to demonstrate that behavior.  

Read the full article  click here  

POPULAR?

Helping teens deal with the "popularity thing"

"The pressure to be a part of the "popular" crowd is not a new ordeal confronting teens, but the advanced technology may make them especially pronounced for teens today than during the "corded phone" days of their parents.
With their parents' permission, some girls of the Summit Area YMCA swim team and Westover School in Middlebury, Connecticut opened up to "CBS This Morning" about the issues they're facing.

"I feel like a lot of girls feel pressured to look a certain way and act a certain one," said 18-year-old Sara.
"People judge a friendship on how long your Snapchat streak is," said 14-year-old Allie."
 

Click Here

TODDLERS & TEENS

 While this article leans toward humor - I have long believed that there is a parallel between toddlers and teens. Both are working to understand themselves and their environment separately from their parents. Both struggle with vocabulary (toddlers understanding words and teens understanding their emotions)

 To read the article

Click Here

ANTI-FRAGILE

Becoming Anti-Fragile.....

 

"How is it that some people come back from crushing defeats while others simply give in? Why does adversity make some people and teams stronger and render others ineffective?"

 

Shane Parrish, Farnam Street

 

 

 

Read the full article   Click Here

FOLLOWERSHIP?

Follwership and Leadership. The discussion is intriguing. Building momentum for an idea or joining a cause - it is a crucial skill set


 "To help de-stigmatize the concept of following,  leadership should be taught as a kind of partnership between those in charge and those going along. If the group is gathered to achieve some central purpose, and all are united in reaching that goal, then leaders and followers should willingly shift roles depending on the task at hand and their relative competencies. The group revolves around the mission, in other words, rather than any one leader."  
                                                                                                                             Linda  Flanagan

Full story   Click Here

MISTAKES

 How we learn from mistakes makes a huge difference in our learning curve!









by Eduardo Briceño

"We can deepen our own and our students’ understanding of mistakes, which are not all created equal, and are not always desirable. After all, our ability to manage and learn from mistakes is not fixed. We can improve it.
Here are two quotes about mistakes that I like and use, but that can also lead to confusion if we don’t further clarify what we mean:
“A life spent making mistakes is not only most honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing” – George Bernard Shaw
“It is well to cultivate a friendly feeling towards error, to treat it as a companion inseparable from our lives, as something having a purpose which it truly has.” – Maria Montessori"

 To read on   Click Here

TIME FOR A CELL PHONE?

 Cell phones are becoming 'a given', but 'when' and 'how' are still a parent's decision.

"The question is not if, BUT WHEN your child is going to be ready for her very own phone? It’s inevitable. As we’ve talked about before, smart parents can no longer afford to keep their heads in the sand when it comes to technology and their children.
I have a 13 year old and she has not had a phone…until now." 


To read the rest of Michelle Myers article, click here

SPECIAL OFFER!

Special Offer! “What I wish I knew before my kid turned 13! - A compass for navigating the teen years” is my next webinar.  The first 5 people to sign up will get the special price of $125. 

“What I wish I knew before my kid turned 13!”

A compass for navigating the teen years

This program is for anyone who is engaged in the process of raising, nurturing and educating teens by offering hands on, easy to understand; practical strategies to help parents and mentors navigate their relationships with teenagers. We will discuss Communication, Conflict, Trust, Discipline, Emotional Literacy, Self Esteem and more.

Focus will be on creating usable tools for building successful, strong and positive relationships. Together we will clarify goals, hone skills, and create a road map for success, in such a way that the adults survive and the kids thrive!

4 week program, each week includes live Q&A sessions, PDF’s, Reference materials and access to Facebook membership group

Module One:                Got Conflict?

Understanding the Teen aged brain

How to handle backtalk & defiance

Module Two:                Say What?

How to speak "teenager"

Speaking so your teen can listen

Module Three:              Why is it so hard?

Drugs, sex (and other difficult topics)

Trust &Discipline

Module Four:                           Making it work!

Building Self-esteem

Creating a Tool Belt for your teen

For more information or to register, click here

AWESOME RESOURCE!

I want share a wonderful resource website Understood.org

While the primary focus is learning and attention issues, there are great strategies for social skills as well.

Their mission is to " help the millions of parents whose children, ages 3–20, are struggling with learning and attention issues. We want to empower them to understand their children’s issues and relate to their experiences. With this knowledge, parents can make effective choices that propel their children from simply coping to truly thriving". 

Head to the website and browse around.  You can create a profile for your child(ren) and check out the huge span of resources.

SUMMER CONTRACT

Summer vacation is upon us!  Having a 'contract' with your Teens and Tweens is a great idea so that expectations are clear. 

"Summer will be here before you know it and the one thing we have learned over the years is that a summer contract is a game changer. Kids need to know what is expected of them. Rules need to be signed off on so that you don’t have to argue all summer. Put this summer contract in place and if arguments arise refer to it. Make sure you offer tons of positive reinforcement when they are getting it right!!"



For an example
Click Here

CHORES!

Chores are an important part of creating self resiliency which leads to self confidence and that builds self esteem! Even though they may complain, kids like being helpful, productive and connected.

Jennifer Breheny Wallace writes:

 

Today’s demands for measurable childhood success—from the Common Core to college placement—have chased household chores from the to-do lists of many young people. In a survey of 1,001 U.S. adults released last fall by Braun Research, 82% reported having regular chores growing up, but only 28% said that they require their own children to do them. With students under pressure to learn Mandarin, run the chess club or get a varsity letter, chores have fallen victim to the imperatives of resume-building—though it is hardly clear that such activities are a better use of their time.
For the full article
Click Here

PART II: TRUST

Chris Hudson continues the discussion with this insightful article

 How should you respond if your teenager’s behvaiour means you are unable to trust them anymore? This is a problem faced by most parents of teenagers at some point during their child’s  adolescence....
Ironically a common cause of parents acting in ways that could undermine their teenager’s trust is parents feeling they cannot trust their teen. When a parent suspects their teen is lying, or sneaking around, their response is to start sneaking and spying on their teenager. Mistrust breeds mistrust.


For the full article    Click Here

HELPING TEENS RELY ON THEMSELVES

Fern Weis offers great direction-

It takes so much time to explain and guide and teach. You may feel it’s faster and more efficient to take care of it yourself. In the short-term, being pressed for time and patience, you want to step in and do it yourself; however, if you do, you'll be raising a child who:

* doesn’t know how to problem-solve.
* runs to you to fix everything.
* cannot function independently.
* cannot be depended upon to accomplish tasks.
* has low self-esteem.


 Read on:  
Click Here

WHERE YOU GO IS NOT WHO YOU WILL BE

Reining in the insanity -
Great Sunday NYT book review

"This is actually Bruni’s point: that the best education is less a matter of getting into the best school than of making the best of wherever you go. His most vivid examples and insights emerge from sensitive conversations with parents, applicants, guidance counselors, admissions officers — and especially recent graduates, thriving 20-somethings who now feel lucky to have been rejected by their preferred schools. Some who ended up far afield, geographically or demographically, discovered the educational and personal value of exceeding their comfort zones. Such was the case for Bruni himself, who, after growing up in the suburbs of Connecticut and New York, turned down his dream school, Yale, to accept a scholarship to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill."

Read the full article Click Here

EMOTIONS...NOUN or ADJECTIVE?

I had a suggestion from a pod cast fan to post some of the episode transcriptions - so here is the very first one Emotions...Are They Nouns or Adjectives?


To listen to the audio -click here

Are you feeling overwhelmed by your emotions? Do you feel stuck or tripped up? Do you just wish there was better way? On each episode of this podcast I will offer specific tips and tools to help you get off the emotional roller coaster and gain more stability over your self and your relationships.
I want to start by telling you that your feelings do not define you. Often we over identify with our feelings and feel as if we ARE what we feel. Emotions are adjectives, not nouns. They describe an emotional state and they WILL pass, they are not who we are.

You know how with little kids we have been told to not call Johnny a bad boy for hitting his brother? - we have been coached to say “Johnny, that was a bad thing to do, we don’t’ hit people when we are angry”. The thought is that if Johnny hears he is bad, he will begin to believe that he is a bad person and will start to define himself as bad which often leads to more unwanted behavior and a nose diving self esteem –and now a negative behavior pattern is born.

I recently had a conversation with a young woman, I’ll call her Emily, who kept referring to herself as an idiot and stupid because she left her iphone on the check out counter at the grocery store. As she continued to focus on this mistake she was getting more and more frustrated with herself and began to recall other situations where she had been forgetful or not careful enough with her things. She concluded that she really is an idiot and so stupid that she didn’t deserve to have nice things.
Emily is letting these feelings of disappointment; embarrassment and frustration define who she is. She did a forgetful thing – that does not make her a bad person and certainly not an idiot. As we talked some more I helped her to remember that she never lost her phone before, that she actually keeps her belongings in good shape, that generally people like her and she is a nice, helpful, funny person who people like to be around.

Its time to give yourself a break – This week, see if you can catch yourself defining yourself with an emotion (positive or negative). If you hear yourself saying ‘I am angry’ or I am lonely or I am cranky…insert the word feeling into the statement
I am feeling angry, I am feeling lonely, I am feeling cranky. This will remind you that this ‘state’ is temporary and it will pass.
This is the beginning of emotional literacy
And the first steps to stabilizing our emotional roller coaster.

20,000 DOWNLOADS!

Celebrating over 20,000 downloads!

Here are a few samples:

You Are Not Your Emotions
Discover why feelings aren't nouns and what that means for you. You'll learn tips to prevent you from over identifying with your emotions and how to move from thought to action.  

Clarity of Thought, Power of Action
How to use your feelings as clues.  I will also give you a great formula to help move you away from an emotional rut.

Stress and the Circle of Control

Learn why it is important to recognize the type of stress that is making you feel overwhelmed. The key to over coming 'overwhelm' is to defuse stress.

Give a listen and (a rating!).  I love hearing from my listeners - I personally answer every one.      Click Here

MONEY

There is so much written about how to talk with your kids about sex and drugs - but so little about money. Like sex, each family has their own guidelines and expectations, what ever they are, create the time to teach them to your children.

Read the full article   Click Here

EXECUTIVE FUNCTION

Executive Function - This is the area of the adolescent brain that is under reconstruction between the ages of 12 and 22. It affects decision process and how we interpret and process information. Here is a video had created for a recent workshop.