TEENS & CONSEQUENCES

An intelligent and helpful approach from Megan Devine

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work, and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task. If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

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CONSEQUENCES

Effective consequences for teenagers!  

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work, and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task. If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

Effective consequences are ones that are connected to the original behavior, and are both task- and time-specific.

"Connected to the original behavior” means that your consequence needs to be related to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve. 

“Task specific” means that there is something your child needs to accomplish, or practice related to the original problem. This is a concrete behavior, like washing the dishes, meeting curfew, or not swearing. 

“Time specific” means there is a specific amount of time in which he needs to demonstrate that behavior.  

Read the full article  click here  

CURFEW ALTERNATIVE

 Try a good night hug!

Read the full article here

Click Here

10 THINGS NOT TO SAY

When we 'clean up' our language with our kids, the communication grows exponentially!

1. No (running, hitting, yelling, fill in the verb)!

2. Good job!
3. Don’t argue with me.
4. Wait until your Dad/Mom/other person finds out about this.
5. If you do that one more time…
6. You are doing that the wrong way.
7.That is what happens when you…
8. You can’t/Don’t do that.. 

9. We are (whatever the child doesn’t want to do at that moment)

10. OKAY?You are making me really mad right now. 

Find out why    Click Here

SUMMER CONTRACT

Summer vacation is upon us!  Having a 'contract' with your Teens and Tweens is a great idea so that expectations are clear. 

"Summer will be here before you know it and the one thing we have learned over the years is that a summer contract is a game changer. Kids need to know what is expected of them. Rules need to be signed off on so that you don’t have to argue all summer. Put this summer contract in place and if arguments arise refer to it. Make sure you offer tons of positive reinforcement when they are getting it right!!"



For an example
Click Here

PART II: TRUST

Chris Hudson continues the discussion with this insightful article

 How should you respond if your teenager’s behvaiour means you are unable to trust them anymore? This is a problem faced by most parents of teenagers at some point during their child’s  adolescence....
Ironically a common cause of parents acting in ways that could undermine their teenager’s trust is parents feeling they cannot trust their teen. When a parent suspects their teen is lying, or sneaking around, their response is to start sneaking and spying on their teenager. Mistrust breeds mistrust.


For the full article    Click Here

TRUST?

The issue of trust comes up often in my work with kids and parents.
Trust is a two way street -

Chris Hudson explains

"There are a variety of ways parents can lose their teenager’s trust. Some are obvious, others less so.  Many times parent’s act with best of intentions and good motives, yet risk doing significant harm to the relationship with their teen. Other times trust is lost when parent’s just fail to think or make mistakes (as we all do from time to time). The point of the list is to bring actions that damage trust to the front of mind so next time you are tempted you will have cause to weigh up what you might be risking."

For the complete article Click Here

HELPING TEENS RELY ON THEMSELVES

Fern Weis offers great direction-

It takes so much time to explain and guide and teach. You may feel it’s faster and more efficient to take care of it yourself. In the short-term, being pressed for time and patience, you want to step in and do it yourself; however, if you do, you'll be raising a child who:

* doesn’t know how to problem-solve.
* runs to you to fix everything.
* cannot function independently.
* cannot be depended upon to accomplish tasks.
* has low self-esteem.


 Read on:  
Click Here

REJECTION

Continuing the series on the college process - Frank Bruni hits the nail on the head.


 "HERE we go again. At Harvard, Emory, Bucknell and other schools around the country, there have been record numbers of applicants yearning for an elite degree. They’ll get word in the next few weeks. Most will be turned down."


 For the full article
Click Here

COLLEGE?!?

Many families with high school juniors are launching into the college process this spring.  While it is an exciting time it can also be a very stressful process. Here is a great article to help pave the way.

"In the "good old days" of college admissions, parents would show up at my door during the summer before their child's senior year and ask for help with choosing colleges and getting in. Except in rare cases, it was assumed that it didn't really matter what a student majored in; somehow, someday everything would just work out. There were plenty of jobs for college graduates, regardless of their majors in college."

Even Middle School Parents Want Advice about College Admissions

What Employers Say They Want from College Grads

APPLYING TO THINKING-ORIENTED COLLEGES

For the full article  click here

MONEY

There is so much written about how to talk with your kids about sex and drugs - but so little about money. Like sex, each family has their own guidelines and expectations, what ever they are, create the time to teach them to your children.

Read the full article   Click Here

BULLIES & FRENEMIES

Excellent article - a must read

"Adults play a critical role in keeping an open dialogue with young people and making them aware of the typical behaviors that mark this cruel form of social aggression. Knowledge is power; when girls know what relational bullying looks and feels like, they are better able to make a conscious choice to move away from friends who use these behaviors." Signe Whitson

Read the full article    Click Here

EXECUTIVE FUNCTION

Executive Function - This is the area of the adolescent brain that is under reconstruction between the ages of 12 and 22. It affects decision process and how we interpret and process information. Here is a video had created for a recent workshop.

MASTER YOUR FEELINGS, MASTER YOUR LIFE

In December I launch a pod cast series Master Your Feelings Master Your Life on iTunes to help folks get off of the emotional roller coaster. It quickly rose to the top of iTunes New & Noteworthy categories: Health, Self Help and Kids & Family.
Registering more than 7,000 downloads in under six weeks.

Have a listen, I'd love to hear feedback, and if your are so inclined, ratings and reviews are encouraged!

Check out the pod casts on iTunes  click here

30 MINUTES

30 minutes a day. This seemed to be a fitting (no pun) way to kick off 2015!  The physical activity part of raising and supporting our kids is so important.



click here to watch Dr Evans' white board message

DRAMA FREE PARENTING?!?

Here are some great suggestions from Dr. Marcum

Parents often ask me how to get along with their suddenly volatile preteen daughter. It’s a shock when your previously sweet little girl starts throwing tantrums again. Twelve year old girls can be moody, over dramatic, self-centered, focused almost solely on friends, close-mouthed, surly, back-talking and condescending to parents.  They can, of course, also be mature, affectionate and delightful, but at their worst they’re a cross between the most challenging aspects of toddlers and teens.

Click here for full article 

PARENT UNIVERSITY

I will be presenting a workshop at Parent University on Saturday, November 15th. Come join the discussion and discover helpful tools to improve relationships. This is an open event, all you need to do is register!

For more information, here is the link

http://youthagency.org/parent-university/

PROTECT vs PERMIT

Finding the balance.  We need to allow our children to begin to figure things out for themselves so that they grow their self reliance and build their self esteem. As parents, we should strive to be warm, firm and supportive to give our kids the most benefit. 



 Great article by Jessica Lahey  in the New York Times

 Raising Teenagers: Protect When You Must, Permit When You Can

Read the article   Click Here

TEACHING EMPATHY

Crucial life skill for our kids - kindness, understanding and the impact of 'accidental teaching'.

Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to, well, raise them that way.

“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write.

To read full article     Click Here

SOCIAL LIVES OF NETWORKED TEENS

What is new about how teenagers communicate through services such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram? Do social media affect the quality of teens’ lives? In this eye-opening book, youth culture and technology expert danah boyd uncovers some of the major myths regarding teens’ use of social media.

She explores tropes about identity, privacy, safety, danger, and bullying. Ultimately, boyd argues that society fails young people when paternalism and protectionism hinder teenagers’ ability to become informed, thoughtful, and engaged citizens through their online interactions.


Click Here